goodbetter ep01 pilot
Screenplay · Fountain format rendered as HTML
goodbetter ep01 pilot
=== ACT ONE ===
INT. GOODBETTER OFFICE - DAY
Small, low-rent office suite with thrift-store furniture. Cheap sofa. Nobody sits at the clunky old reception desk.
The door jingles and BRADLEY HESS, a confident executive in a sharp suit, steps inside like he owns the place. He takes off his sunglasses and looks around with amused disapproval, wondering what he's gotten himself into.
The deep, gruff voice of private detective MIKE SAWYER yells from his personal office in the next room.
MIKE
My assistant's late, but park your ass down and I'll get to you in a minute.
Bradley smirks, not accustomed to being talked to like that. He doesn't sit, but idly inspects the photos on the wall of Mike Sawyer shaking hands with past clients or posing with celebrities.
He sidesteps along the wall and looks at two framed certificates on the wall: California private investigator licenses for "Michael Percival Sawyer" and "Genevieve Elizabeth Calhoun."
He glances around and notices the sign on the wall reading "GoodBetter," with "Investigation Services" underneath it. He cocks his head.
BRADLEY
(to the next room)
What's the story with the name? "GoodBetter"? Why not "Best"?
Mike emerges from his private office. He's a tough character, middle-aged but in great shape.
MIKE
Mark Twain said, "Supposing is good, but finding out is better." That's where the name's from. We find things out.
BRADLEY
Who's Mark Twain?
MIKE
(extending his hand)
No idea. I'm Mike Sawyer. I call the shots around here.
BRADLEY
(shaking hands briefly)
Bradley Hess. Can I get a water?
MIKE
We don't do water bottles here. There's a tap in the bathroom sink if you need it. Step into my office. Let's talk.
Bradley is taken aback but amused in a condescending sort of way. He's skeptical but playing along for now.
They step into Mike's private office, a dimly lit room with a cheap desk covered in scattered file folders and a fast food bag from yesterday. Mike eats a leftover fry from the bottom of the bag and throws the crumpled remainder in the wastebasket.
Bradley sits on a squeaky guest chair facing the desk.
MIKE
So, Mr. Hess--
The front door jingles again, and a moment later JENNY CALHOUN--a young woman in her late 20s in a bridesmaid's dress with her hair up and makeup impeccable--bursts into Mike's office. An incongruous leather satchel hangs from her shoulder.
JENNY
Mr. Sawyer, I'm so sorry. The audition went over and I got stuck and traffic and--
Bradley raises an eyebrow. Mike gives a deadpan look.
MIKE
Mr. Hess, this is my assistant investigator, Jenny Calhoun. She wants to be an actress. Can't say I blame her. I wouldn't want to work for me either.
(turns to Jenny)
Who were you pretending to be today?
Jenny sighs, annoyed at Mike's tone.
JENNY
Bridemaid #3. I thought renting a dress might help my chances.
MIKE
Might ruin ours here, but let's see if we can salvage this meeting. Sit down and try not to be too distracting, would ya?
JENNY
Yes, sir.
She sits down in a chair in the corner and fumbles with her bag, pulling out a well-worn notebook and a pen.
Mike leans forward, unflappable, uncaring, taking back control of the moment.
MIKE
So, Mr. Hess, what brings you to us today?
Bradley inhales, momentarily debating whether to spill his guts at this clown show, but decides what the hell.
BRADLEY
Do you want the short version or the long version?
MIKE
Short version's fine while we dance our little courtship dance here. We can grill you for details later. Right now we're just finding out if we can do business together.
Bradley smiles, appreciating the straightforwardness.
BRADLEY
Okay, the short version is that I'm getting divorced soon--
MIKE
Congratulations.
BRADLEY
--and I want to minimize my financial exposure. I suspect my wife is cheating on me, and according to the terms of our prenup, that would disqualify her from receiving much in the divorce. If that's actually happening, I'd like to have solid evidence I can take to court.
Mike nods sagely, and opens his desk drawer to pull out a folder.
MIKE
Easy. Bread and butter case. It'll cost you $2,500 and probably take about four weeks to gather solid evidence, maybe a little longer if she's a clever one.
He turns the folder around so the contract faces Bradley. He removes the lid from a cheap pen and lays it alongside it.
MIKE
All we need you to do is sign here to let us get started.
Bradley leans back.
BRADLEY
Well, you're the first agency I've talked to. I haven't made a decision yet.
MIKE
Oh, sorry. You seemed like the kind of guy who knows what he wants and gets it right the first time.
BRADLEY
Flattering. But, you know, due diligence....
Mike sighs, deciding how he wants to play this. He looks around the office.
MIKE
You're not used to being in a place like this, are you? Cheap office. Secondhand furniture. Talking to some sketchy ex-cop with a fake bridesmaid taking notes in the corner. Guy like you's probably looking for some agency you walk in and it looks like a lawyer's office. Fancy cars in the parking lot. Fancy books on the wall. Fancy music playing in the background. Fancy prick in white shirt kissing your ass and telling you all about how professional they are. If you want that kind of agency, it's out there for you. But that's not us.
BRADLEY
I can see that.
MIKE
Detective work ain't about kissing ass, Mr. Hess. It's about wallowing in the mud, doing crap work nobody else wants to do, and making sure you don't get caught doing it. It's about dancing on the edge and coming away from it with a beautiful little bundle of admissible evidence. That's what we do here.
BRADLEY
I understand, it's just that--
MIKE
You wanna know why I'm not a cop anymore?
BRADLEY
Why's that?
MIKE
Because sometimes good cops get cut for doing what needs done to bring criminals to justice. Sometimes the department needs a scapegoat to make the heat go away. It was my turn, and I took one for the team. Now, if you want some retired desk jockey to do your dirty work for you, there's plenty of those guys playing detective out there. But if you want the real thing, that's me. You sign here and give me a check, this situation's handled. If Mrs. Hess is out there playing Twister with the soccer coach, I'll give you an evidence file that'll make her divorce attorney weep. And I'm talking real tears. But I need to know if we're actually doing this, or if you need to spend a few weeks reading Yelp reviews so you can find the investigation agency with the best bottled water.
Bradley likes this guy but doesn't want to make it too easy on him, so he makes a show of being contemplative.
BRADLEY
Alright, you make a compelling case....
Mike doesn't respond, just raises his eyebrows.
Bradley considers for a few more moments, then takes a proper pen out of his suit jacket because he's not about to use the fifty-cent piece of crap Mike gave him. He scribbles his signature on the contract.
BRADLEY
Okay, why not? It's only $2,500. I'll have my assistant wire you the down payment.
MIKE
Good.
BRADLEY
What do you need to get started?
MIKE
Details about your wife. Her schedule, who she interacts with, any specific people you think she might having an affair with, recent credit card transactions, that sort of thing.
BRADLEY
Alright. I'll email you all that later today.
(quietly, leaning in)
Does the bridesmaid come with the deal?
MIKE
Eh, you wouldn't want her. She's a prude, you know what I mean?
Mike laughs and they shake hands.
BRADLEY
Alright, I'm trusting you here. Don't let me down.
MIKE
We don't disappoint, Mr. Hess. Jenny, walk the gentleman to the door, would you?
Jenny tucks her notebook back in her satchel and hops to her feet gracefully, despite the long dress.
JENNY
Yes, sir!
She hurries over to Bradley and escorts him to the front door.
JENNY
Thanks for coming, Mr. Hess. We look forward to working on your case.
He gives a sly smile.
BRADLEY
Yes, I look forward to seeing more of you.
Jenny returns a polite smile, ignoring the comment.
The bell on the door jingles as Bradley leaves.
A moment passes.
MIKE
(from the other room)
Is he gone?
She peers through the window blinds for a moment, then returns to Mike's office.
JENNY
He's gone!
Mike jumps up and rounds the desk toward Jenny, arms flapping. The tough-guy persona has completely vanished. He's now an enthusiastic teddy bear with a higher-pitched voice.
MIKE
Oh, my god!
Jenny matches his excitement, bouncing in place with a goofy grin, clapping her hands together
JENNY
First client! We did it!
Mike picks her up, spinning and shaking her around as she laughs. It's obvious they're close friends, but platonic.
MIKE
We're getting paid! We're actual detectives!
JENNY
GoodBetter is officially in business!
MIKE
(suddenly worried)
How did I do? Was that okay?
JENNY
You were amazing. Your character backstory leaked out a bit...
Mike winces.
JENNY
...but you were amazing, Mike. Seriously.
MIKE
I just got lost in the flow, you know? It's not quite as compelling to say I quit my highway patrol career to become an actor and then took this job when I couldn't make rent.
JENNY
I'm totally gonna tell Miss Mendoza. She's going to want you to do that scene for the whole class.
MIKE
Really? You think?
JENNY
Hundred percent. I'm so glad I hired you. You're way more convincing than I was. You should have seen how my first client meetings went.
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Jenny and a prospective client sit at a small table in a coffee shop.
CLIENT
(incredulous)
You're a detective?
JENNY
Yep, that's right! Just got my license.
CLIENT
Are you, you know... qualified to be a detective?
JENNY
Definitely! I spent two summers working as a claims investigator for my uncle's insurance company back in Omaha, and I was really good at it.
CLIENT
Is, uh...is anyone else from your firm joining us today?
JENNY
(confused)
No. No, it's just me.
CLIENT
Ah.
The client frowns, sighs, then gets up and walks out.
MONTAGE:
- Another client stares in confusion, then leaves.
- Another client laughs, then leaves.
- Another client shakes his head, then leaves.
- Jenny frowns in consternation
END FLASHBACK
INT. GOODBETTER OFFICE - DAY (CONTINUED)
Back to Jenny and Mike at the office.
MIKE
Eh, you would have figured it out on your own eventually.
Jenny gestures to herself and her bridesmaid dress.
JENNY
I'm not really the private detective experience people are looking for.
Mike puts his hands up.
MIKE
Listen, I'm not about to argue myself out of a paying job. I'll do whatever you want.
JENNY
Anyway, now that we can actually afford coffee, why don't you go grab us some to celebrate, and I'll stay here and figure out how we start our first case.
END OF ACT ONE
=== ACT TWO ===
EXT./INT. JENNY'S CAR IN FRONT OF HESS HOUSE - DAY
Jenny and Mike sit in the front seat of a compact car parked on the side of the street in a fancy residential neighborhood. They're both visibly upset. Mike holds a bunch of papers in his hand.
JENNY
I don't know what you're talking about!
MIKE
I have the email right here. I saw it on your laptop.
JENNY
I swear I didn't do anything! Whatever you think you're seeing, you're wrong about me.
Mike crosses his arms.
MIKE
I literally can't trust anything you say anymore.
JENNY
Can't you see this is Vanessa's doing? She's trying to destroy my reputation before the championship.
MIKE
Would you like me to read your own words to you, so you can remember what you said about?
JENNY
Whatever it is, I swear on my life I would never--
MIKE
(quoting from the papers)
"Bethany's ass looks like a bag of potatoes. She's barely qualified to be the cheer squad's water girl."
JENNY
Bethany, I never said that!
MIKE
I can't believe I ever trusted you.
Jenny freezes, then frowns.
JENNY
Crap, I lost it. What's the line?
Mike looks at the papers.
MIKE
Uhhh..."I would never betray your trust. We swore to be sisters forever."
JENNY
Gah! Okay, let's try again from--
Mike nods toward something off screen.
MIKE
Hold that thought. Target acquired.
A few houses away, LARISSA HESS, a well-dressed woman in an expensive car, backs out of the garage of a expensive house.
JENNY
Finally! Let's do this.
She starts the car and they pull out.
EXT./INT. JENNY'S CAR IN FRONT OF DIBLEY'S BISTRO - DAY
Jenny and Mike pull up to a parking spot near a restaurant with outdoor seating and watch as Larissa Hess walks up to a handsome mystery man (whom we'll later know as SEBASTIAN PRINCE) already seated at a table for two. He gets up and gives her a hug. It's obvious they're well-acquainted.
MIKE
You think they're doing it?
JENNY
Eh, hard to tell. He didn't kiss her.
MIKE
If they're having an affair, he might not want to broadcast it, just in case there's a pair of really attractive private investigators sitting in a car outside the restaurant.
JENNY
Maybe. There's a table next to them. Should we go in?
MIKE
Can we even afford that place?
JENNY
Business expense. It'll be a tax write-off.
MIKE
That doesn't make it free.
JENNY
It's our first case. We've gotta do something.
MIKE
Yeah, you're probably right.
JENNY
Okay, so how should we play this?
INT. RESTAURANT LOBBY - DAY
Mike and Jenny stand with the HOSTESS at the entrance to the outdoor seating area.
MIKE
(as a proud father)
...so I told her, if she graduates with a 4.0, I'd take out to lunch anywhere she wants to go, and this is where she picked.
HOSTESS
Well, your daughter has excellent taste!
JENNY
You guys have chicken nuggets here, right?
HOSTESS
(grabbing menus)
I'm sure we can find something on the menu you'll love.
She escorts them back and seats them at a table near Larissa and Sebastian. They get settled in.
HOSTESS
Your server will be right with you. Enjoy!
Mike and Jenny smile their thanks. Jenny picks up a menu, then goes wide-eyed.
JENNY
Wow, this was a mistake.
Mike looks at the menu to see what she's talking about.
MIKE
Sweet baby Jesus. The side salad is fourteen dollars?
JENNY
Yeah, change of plans. We'll split an appetizer and get drive-thru on the way back.
MIKE
Good, because I don't even know what half this stuff is.
JENNY
Is eating bison even legal? Aren't they endangered or something?
Mike pulls out his phone.
MIKE
Alright, time for the proud father to take some pictures of his favorite daughter.
Jenny adjusts her posture and smiles perkily for the camera, knowing that Mike's actually zooming in and taking a photo of Larissa and Sebastian, who are sitting behind her.
Sebastian glances over just as he takes the shot.
Mike looks at the photo and raises his eyebrows when he sees it. He slides her phone over to Jenny, who picks it up and glances at it, also reacting with surprise.
INSERT: Photo on phone of Sebastian glancing suspiciously.
JENNY
Ew, I don't love how I look here. You'll have to take it again.
She hands his phone back as the SERVER arrives at the table.
SERVER
Hi, welcome to Dibley's. Do you have any questions about the menu?
MIKE
Nope, no questions. We'll take two glasses of water and your cheapest appetizer, please.
SERVER
You got it! A bread basket and two waters. I'll get that in for you right now.
The server marches away briskly.
MIKE
(quietly)
Can you hear them?
Jenny leans back in her seat and tries to make out what Larissa and Sebastian are saying, but they're speaking quietly. Intimately. She leans forward and shakes her head.
Mike points to her phone.
MIKE
Record?
JENNY
(also quietly)
I don't know if we legally can.
MIKE
We're in public.
JENNY
But they're talking quietly. If a judge decides that's reasonably confidential, then it's eavesdropping. That could be a felony charge for us.
MIKE
There's an exception if we're gathering evidence of a crime.
JENNY
Taking a trip to pound town isn't a crime. It only matters because of their prenup.
The server comes back with a bread basket featuring a comically small mini-loaf and some butter, and two small glasses of water.
SERVER
Is there anything else I can do for you right now?
MIKE
(as Jenny's dad)
You want anything else, sweetie?
JENNY
(to the server)
No, thanks, I'm on a diet. Just the carbs for now.
SERVER
Great, I'll come check on you later. Enjoy!
Jenny grabs the mini-loaf and poses goofily with it. Mike grabs his phone and takes some more pictures of her--and of Larissa and Sebastian behind her.
EXT./INT. JENNY'S CAR IN FRONT OF DIBLEY'S BISTRO - DAY
Jenny and Mike pile back into her car.
MIKE
Okay, do we follow the wife or her mystery man?
JENNY
Mystery man. We need to figure out who he is.
Her phone sounds a new message alert. She looks at the screen and grimaces.
MIKE
What? What's the face?
JENNY
Ehhh, dating app.
MIKE
Rejected?
JENNY
No, he wants to go out tonight.
MIKE
Usually that's a good thing.
Jenny looks out off camera toward Sebastian, checking on him.
INSERT: Sebastian standing next to his car, talking on the phone.
JENNY
I don't know, I'm just nervous. I'm not great on dates. I never know what to say.
Mike frowns.
MIKE
You're literally an actor. I've seen you improvise. You're amazing.
JENNY
Yeah, but...I don't know. It's just different.
MIKE
Well, you matched with the guy, so just tell him you'll go. You'll figure it out. Don't worry about it.
Jenny nods in Sebastian's direction.
JENNY
Here we go.
INSERT: Sebastian getting into his car and pulling out.
Jenny hands her phone to Mike.
JENNY
Here, write him back for me.
She starts the car and they drive after Sebastian, following his car at a distance.
EXT./INT. JENNY'S CAR AT SEBASTIAN'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON
Jenny's car comes to a stop along a street in a residential neighborhood, and she kills the lights.
MIKE
(looking out the window)
Oh my god, he's actually going home. I was starting to think he was just going to run errands all night long. Is this really what detectives do, just follow people around through their daily routines?
INSERT: Sebastian's car pulling into the garage of a modest house.
JENNY
Yeah, that's a lot of it. Will you search the house on the County Assessor's website?
(squinting at the house)
One nine four five Mirren Lane.
MIKE
(pulling out phone)
On it.
Jenny reaches into the backseat and pulls her notebook out of her satchel, and opens it up to start taking notes.
JENNY
Okay, let's recap what we've learned today and see if we can profile this guy.
MIKE
(on his phone)
He's boring as hell, for one thing.
FLASHBACK: Jenny and Mike at a department store casually browsing men's underwear while watching Sebastian select chinos from a rack in the distance.
JENNY (V.O.)
After lunch, he went to a department store and bought chinos that look exactly like the ones he was already wearing, so he's probably methodical. Orderly. Creature of habit. Likes to keep life simple.
MIKE (V.O.)
Right, right.
FLASHBACK: Jenny and Mike waiting in the car near a dental office. Jenny's bopping to some music. Mike checks his watch.
JENNY (V.O.)
Then he had a dentist appointment. He was in there for about thirty minutes, so it was probably a routine cleaning and they didn't have much work to do.
MIKE (V.O.)
Imagine actually going to the dentist when you're supposed to.
FLASHBACK: Jenny sitting in a car dealership waiting room, flipping through a car magazine without looking at the pages.
JENNY (V.O.)
Then the car dealership for an oil change. That took forever.
MIKE (V.O.)
How long has your maintenance light been on by the way?
JENNY (V.O.)
Just a couple months. I think it's still good.
FLASHBACK: Mike on the treadmill at the gym getting sweaty while keeping an eye on Sebastian working his legs on a weight machine in the distance.
JENNY (V.O.)
Annnd...then he went to the gym.
MIKE (V.O.)
He actually did leg day.
JENNY (V.O.)
You still stink, by the way.
MIKE (V.O.)
I know, I know.
Back to them in the car. Mike’s still search the address on his phone.
JENNY
So, generally speaking, we've learned...
MIKE
...that this guy is a cyborg sent from the future to bore us to death.
JENNY
Very possibly.
Mike's face lights up.
MIKE
Got it! The house at nineteen fourty five Mirren Lane is owned by one Sebastian Prince.
Jenny frowns and pulls out her own phone.
JENNY
I swear I know that name. How do I know that name?
She searches for a moment, then her mouth falls open.
JENNY
Oh, no....
MIKE
What? What is it?
JENNY
(reading from her phone)
"Sebastian Prince is the founder and CEO of Prince Investigations."
MIKE
(frowning)
So...wait...
JENNY
This guy isn't her lover. He's her private detective.
END OF ACT TWO
=== ACT THREE ===
INT. PIZZA RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Jenny sits in a cozy booth across from KYLE, the guy she matched in the dating app. There's a pizza and drinks on the table, and slices on their plates. Their postures hint that it's a little awkward still.
JENNY
So, uh...what do you do for work?
KYLE
(swallowing a bite)
Electrician.
Jenny nods, trying to come up with a follow-up question on a subject she knows nothing about.
JENNY
So like...do you work on houses and stuff?
KYLE
Mostly new commercial construction. Power outlets, lighting. Working on a strip mall right now. Lots of outlets. Lights of lighting.
JENNY
(nodding)
Cool, cool.
She takes a bite. She knows she's bombing.
KYLE
Um...so, your profile said you're really into biking? I've been doing competitive mountain bike racing for the last few years. Getting pretty good at it. I've got a cross country race in Temecula next weekend.
Jenny frowns.
JENNY
That...sounds awesome.
KYLE
What kind of riding do you do?
Jenny takes a drink from her cup, stalling. She swallows slowly.
JENNY
Actually, I think it was...I think I had "hiking" in my profile.
Kyle pauses, then nods.
KYLE
Ohhh. Oh, okay.
JENNY
Yeah, I like to hike. Mountains. And stuff.
KYLE
No, uh...no biking, then.
She freezes for a moment, then sighs almost imperceptibly. She realizes that being herself isn't working, so she turns on "charming Jenny." Her expression relaxes and her frown is smoothly replaced with an eager smile.
JENNY
Well, not yet, anyway. I've actually always wanted to get into mountain biking.
KYLE
(perking up)
Really?
JENNY
Yeah, totally. I was thinking of getting a bike eventually. Maybe you can help me figure out what kind I should get?
KYLE
Yeah, totally. I'd love to do that. What kind of biking were you thinking?
JENNY
Oh, I don't know. Nothing too crazy to start with, just want to get out there and ride, you know?
KYLE
Totally.
JENNY
Totally.
KYLE
Awesome.
Jenny gives a complex smile, knowing she's winning the title of "great date" but loathes herself for doing it.
JENNY
Awesome.
INT. GOODBETTER OFFICE - DAY (MORNING)
It's dark inside. Keys jangle at the door. The lock turns and Jenny enters, along with the morning sunlight. Her leather satchel hanging from her shoulder.
She flips the light switch on and there's a loud groan from the sofa. She yelps and jumps backwards, almost dropping her satchel.
Mike is curled up on the sofa with a jacket over him, using a roll of paper towels as a pillow. His bare legs kick around in annoyance. He rolls over, grimacing, eyes closed.
MIKE
Turn it offfffff...!
JENNY
Mike, what the hell are you doing!?
MIKE
I was sleeping. It was a better time. I miss it already.
She looks up at dozens of post-it notes stuck to the wall with random notes about Sebastian Prince and Larissa Hess.
JENNY
Were you here all night?
He hauls himself to a sitting position, his face still twisted in tired annoyance.
MIKE
My roommate's girlfriend is in town so I came here to crash, but then I couldn't sleep because I kept wondering what the deal was with Sebastian Prince, so I spent most of the night applying my considerable brainpower to that problem.
JENNY
Huh. Did you figure anything out?
Long pause.
MIKE
No.
JENNY
Mike, are you not wearing pants?
MIKE
I can't sleep with my pants on.
JENNY
Well, I can't live in a world where your pants are off, so, you know, take care of that, please.
MIKE
Yeah, fine, fine.
Pause. Jenny watches for him to move, but he doesn't.
JENNY
Our one and only client, Mr. Bradley Hess, is going to be here in about six minutes. Maybe you want to...get ready or something?
Mike scratches his face, then slowly stands and stumbles toward the private office, covering himself with the long jacket he'd been using as a blanket.
MIKE
(grumbling)
I'm always ready.
Jenny peeks through the blinds, looking for Bradley.
JENNY
I'm still a little fuzzy on our ethical obligations here. It seems like we should tell him his wife has hired a private investigator, but that would disrupt the investigation of one of our industry peers. And besides, it's outside the scope of our own investigation, since we're just trying to determine whether Larissa's cheating on him.
MIKE
(from the other room)
Our first responsibility is to our client. His wife hiring an investigator is obviously pertinent information. We've gotta tell him.
JENNY
I know, I just...I don't know.
MIKE
You're wondering if he's up to something.
JENNY
Yeah.
MIKE
I don't like the guy either, but we picked our team when we cashed his check.
Jenny sighs.
JENNY
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
The front door opens with a jangling chime and a statuesque, professionally-dressed young woman (REBECCA KIRBY) enters and smiles at Jenny. She holds out a folder.
REBECCA
You must be Jenny. Mr. Hess asked me to bring over the additional documentation you asked for.
Jenny takes the folder and flips through it.
JENNY
Oh. Thanks. So, um, Mr. Hess won't be coming himself today?
REBECCA
No, he's a very busy man.
Mike emerges from the private office, now somehow fully dressed and looking sharp. He's deep in his tough-guy detective persona. He reaches out to shake Rebecca's hand.
MIKE
I'm Mike Sawyer. Thanks for delivering this information to us. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
REBECCA
(shaking hands)
Rebecca Kirby. I'm Mr. Hess's executive assistant.
Their handshake lingers just a moment too long.
MIKE
Pleasure, Rebecca. We were expecting Mr. Hess himself to come, but maybe it's fate that you came instead. How much are you aware of the case we're working on?
REBECCA
I know about everything Mr. Hess does.
MIKE
That's good. I'll bet you have some perspective that could be vital to this investigation. May I ask you a few questions about Bradley's wife?
Rebecca hesitates but then nods. She has a few things to say about the wife...and maybe feels drawn to Mike's macho persona.
REBECCA
(staring into his eyes)
Yeah, okay. I can spare a few minutes.
MIKE
(staring back)
Thank you, Rebecca.
He motions to Jenny.
MIKE
Jenny, come in and take notes, would ya?
JENNY
(grabbing her notebook)
You got it, boss.
INT. GOODBETTER OFFICE - LATE MORNING
Rebecca shakes hands and says goodbye to Jenny and Mike--lingering a little bit with Mike--then leaves the office and walks toward her car, a fancy thing that's not the kind of car an executive assistant should be driving.
MIKE
(back to normal)
Oh, my god, did you feel her skin? It felt like a baby's whisper on a summer breeze. I need you to ask what kind of lotion she uses.
JENNY
They're definitely doing it, right?
MIKE
She wouldn't be driving that car if they weren't. And she sure didn't have anything nice to say about the wife.
JENNY
So...he's trying to cut his wife out so he can be with his hot assistant. And the wife's onto him, so she's hired an investigator to prove it. And we're about to mess all that up by telling him about it. I really don't love our place in this.
Mike nods.
MIKE
We can't solve everyone's relationship problems. He hired us to find out if she's cheating. I say we just put our heads down and do the job. If she's not, great. He's got nothing, and she'll get her cut in the divorce.
JENNY
Yeah, maybe.
MIKE
Hey, how'd the date go last night?
Jenny shakes her head and shrugs.
JENNY
Fine, I guess. He liked who I was pretending to be. We're going mountain biking this weekend?
MIKE
Jenny, you gotta just be yourself.
JENNY
You know, everyone says that, but it hasn't actually been great advice in my experience.
MIKE
Are you...excited to go mountain biking this weekend?
JENNY
(beat)
No.
MIKE
You pretend to be someone else, you wind up with someone else's life. It's just not worth it. Trust me, of all people, I would know.
JENNY
I don't know. I can put myself in other people's shoes, but my own never seem to fit right.
Mike glances at his watch.
MIKE
Don't you have a shoot this morning?
JENNY
(checking her phone)
Oh, sh...
END OF ACT THREE
=== ACT FOUR ===
EXT./INT. SHORT FILM SET GARAGE - MIDDAY
Jenny walks up to a thoroughly amateurish green screen video setup in a garage. She looks around, concerned.
The sketchy-looking DIRECTOR is the only other person there. He turns when he notices her.
DIRECTOR
Hi. You made it.
JENNY
Yeah, sorry, got stuck at work.
DIRECTOR
What's your name again?
JENNY
Jenny Calhoun.
DIRECTOR
(consulting his notes)
Okay, yeah. Captain Nikita Bellamy of the starship Oberon. In this scene, you say, uh, "I'm the captain of this ship, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some space zombies stop us from completing our mission." And then the zombie eats you.
JENNY
Okay, who's playing the zombie?
DIRECTOR
Todd here.
Jenny jumps and yelps when she realizes TODD THE ZOMBIE is looming behind her.
TOOD THE ZOMBIE
Hi.
JENNY
(calming herself)
Okay, okay, yeah, and you said you had wardrobe for me?
DIRECTOR
Yep, got it ready right here.
The director holds up a weird, too-skimpy sci-fi costume on a hanger. Jenny gives a deadpan look.
JENNY
Fine. Where do I change?
DIRECTOR
You can just do it here. It won't bother us.
JENNY
Or...?
DIRECTOR
Or, um, you can go in the house. Bathroom's on the right.
JENNY
Great.
INT. BATHROOM - MIDDAY
Jenny fumbles with the costume, grumbling to herself.
JENNY
Can't believe I'm doing this.
Her phone chimes. She checks it.
INSERT: Text message from Bradley Hess: "I'd like to take you out to dinner and get to know you more. Does tonight or tomorrow night work better?"
She frowns, then taps her phone to call Mike.
MIKE (PHONE)
Hey, you okay?
JENNY
Yeah, so far. It's not that. I just got a text from Bradley Hess. He says, "I'd like to take you out to dinner and get to know you more. Does tonight or tomorrow night work better?"
MIKE
You can't see me, but I'm rolling my eyes.
JENNY
What do I do with it?
MIKE
Just ignore him. Delete the text.
JENNY
He's probably going to corner me and ask me in person next time.
MIKE
I'll make sure he doesn't. If he asks, tell him you're on set. Let's just finish this case up and be done with this creep.
JENNY
Okay. Thanks, Mike.
She resumes fumbling with the costume.
EXT./INT. SHORT FILM SET GARAGE - MIDDAY
She comes back wearing the costume. The director nods approvingly.
He motions for her to stand in front of the green screen, and she does. He touches her shoulders, moving her into position. She tries to stay professional but recoils involuntarily at his touch.
He goes back to the camera and sits down, pressing buttons.
DIRECTOR
Camera speeding, sound speeding, aaaand... action!
Jenny takes a moment to drop into character. Her posture and expression gradually shift, and she transforms into another person entirely. Despite her ridiculous costume and situation, she really is a pissed-off spaceship captain now.
She looks up at the imaginary zombies approaching her.
JENNY
(Oscar-worthily)
I'm the captain of this ship, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some space zombies stop us from completing our mission.
The Todd growls and jumps on her from the side, knocking her down off-camera.
JENNY (O.S.)
(as herself)
Ow! Get the hell off me!
The director nods enthusiastically.
DIRECTOR
Oh, that was perfect. Let's do it again.
Jenny shoves the zombie off of her and makes a disgusted expression.
JENNY
(to herself)
I'd like to thank the Academy...
EXT. PARKING GARAGE - EARLY EVENING
Jenny's compact car emerges onto the top level of an empty parking garage and comes to a stop near the edge, overlooking a neighboring office building.
Jenny and Mike emerge from the car and approach the edge a little sneakily, not wanting to draw attention to themselves.
MIKE
What do you suppose she's doing in there?
Jenny pulls her phone out.
JENNY
I don't know. Let's see what's in that building.
MIKE
I will say, it's a lot more fun following Mrs. Hess around than her private investigator.
JENNY
You did seem to enjoy her lunch with her girlfriends.
MIKE
Rich people really are more beautiful, aren't they?
JENNY
(looking at her phone)
Okay, here we go. Looks like this building has...an insurance company, another insurance company, an aircraft rental company, a financial planner, a law firm...oh.
MIKE
What?
JENNY
Ohhhh.
MIKE
What??
JENNY
Prince Investigations is in this building.
MIKE
Aw, this is going to be really boring, isn't it?
JENNY
It's pretty late. Why would she be meeting with him after hours?
MIKE
Can we see the office from here?
JENNY
(on her phone again)
It looks like it's on this side of the building, on the...
MIKE
Fourth floor.
JENNY
(still on her phone)
Fourth floor. How'd you know?
MIKE
(pointing)
Because Sebastian Prince is doing it with Mrs. Hess in that office down there.
Jenny's eyes go wide and she looks around.
JENNY
Where!?
MIKE
You shouldn't be seeing stuff like that. I've been married. I'm allowed.
She scans the building a moment longer, then her eyes go even wider.
They both stare for a moment.
JENNY
Is that really what people look like when they're having sex?
MIKE
No, not really. He's definitely got his own style.
JENNY
That's weird.
MIKE
She seems to be enjoying it, I guess.
Jenny shakes her head.
JENNY
Aw, why'd you do it, Larissa? Now we gotta tell him.
A large man, EZEKIEL WYATT, approaches from the shadows behind them.
EZEKIEL
You might want to reconsider that.
Mike and Jenny both jump, then Mike quickly moves between Jenny and Ezekiel.
MIKE
Hey, pal, what's up?
EZEKIEL
I'm not going to hurt you. I just wanted to advise you that I've taken several photos of you actively spying on my employer.
JENNY
Who's your employer?
EZEKIEL
I'm head of security for Prince Investigations.
JENNY
Yeah, well, we're just up here talking and looking around. That's not a crime.
EZEKIEL
I've overheard enough to know you're surveilling them, so don't bother pretending you're not. Monitoring my employer in his office violates his reasonable expectation of privacy.
MIKE
We're in a public place. We just happened to see it.
EZEKIEL
His blinds are closed, but you can see through them at this particular angle, which certainly makes it appear that you're trying to circumvent his privacy protections. Invasion of privacy is a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and a fine of $2,000.
MIKE
Penal code six-four-seven-jay-one only applies if we're using binoculars or a camera or something. We were just standing here looking with our own two eyes. Er, four eyes.
EZEKIEL
I'm gonna call the police. We'll let the courts sort this one out. I should warn you, though. Our lawyer tends to be pretty aggressive.
JENNY
Hey, can we just talk about this for a minute?
Ezekiel pauses to consider.
EZEKIEL
Okay. You come back to our office, explain exactly what you're doing to Mr. Prince, and then we'll see.
JENNY
And then you call the cops anyway, this time with a confession?
EZEKIEL
Mr. Prince will decide what happens to you after that.
Mike and Jenny look at each other. Mike shrugs. Jenny sighs.
JENNY
Fine.
INT. PRINCE INVESTIGATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT
Mike and Jenny sit in the waiting area of the office. Ezekiel stands imposingly with his arms crossed, making sure they don't run for it.
MIKE
How are they still going?
EZEKIEL
Mr. Prince is a remarkable man in many ways.
A moment passes. Faint sounds of a consensual struggle come from a nearby room.
JENNY
It seems like it would get uncomfortable after a while.
More seconds pass. It's awkward.
Finally, through the wall, Sebastian Prince emits a strange sound, something like an " uhhyyyyup!" to signal the completion of his heroic endeavor.
Mike and Jenny exchange glances.
A few moments later, Larissa Hess and Sebastian Prince emerge from the room, straightening their clothes and hair. Larissa starts when she sees Jenny and Mike sitting there. Sebastian, however, barely reacts.
SEBASTIAN
What's this?
EZEKIEL
These two were in the parking garage spying on you.
Larissa's jaw drops. She's afraid of what this means.
SEBASTIAN
Photos? Video?
EZEKIEL
No, sir.
Sebastian considers them for a moment.
SEBASTIAN
Ah, from the restaurant. Are you really father and daughter or was that an act?
MIKE
She's my boss.
SEBASTIAN
Shame. A family of detectives would have been a cute marketing gimmick. You are private investigators, I assume?
JENNY
If we were, you'd understand that the California Association of Licensed Investigators Code of Ethics states that we have to protect the privacy and confidentiality of our client, and it would be inappropriate for you to press us to divulge those details.
Sebastian scoffs.
SEBASTIAN
There's not much you could offer me that I can't figure out on my own, the way you two are bumbling around. I assume Bradley hired you to catch Larissa here violating the terms of her prenuptial agreement so he can give up even less when he files for divorce. Is that right?
Jenny and Mike say nothing.
SEBASTIAN
There's a lot you don't know about Bradley Hess, not the least of which is that he's repeatedly violated that prenup himself.
JENNY
(shrugging)
What are we doing here?
Sebastian turns to Larissa, who's still a little stunned at the situation.
SEBASTIAN
Larissa, I can't share details about your case without your permission, of course, but I think it would be in your best interest here. Do you want to give them some context?
Larissa takes a deep breath to steady herself and considers.
LARISSA
You sure?
Sebastian nods.
LARISSA
Uh, okay. Yeah. So, uh...Bradley's been hiding money from me. Millions of dollars. Tens of millions. He tucks it away into little side companies that he controls but technically doesn't own. The house, the cars, all of it. They're not in our name. His companies own them. He's been planning to screw me over in the divorce. I hired Sebastian to help me gather evidence so I can at least get my fair share when he finally throws me out. Do you know about Rebecca? His assistant?
Jenny looks at Sebastian and gives him a "you know we can't admit that" shrug.
SEBASTIAN
They can't confirm or deny it, but they know about her. Go on.
LARISSA
Her salary is half a million dollars a year. For being an executive assistant. And half the business trips they've gone on are just vacations. They left this morning for a "conference" in Arizona. They're just staying at a resort and playing golf. We have photos of it all. That's the man you're working for. That's the man you're trying to help screw me over in this divorce.
MIKE
To be fair, the two of you were also...you know.
SEBASTIAN
Yes, through his cheating and efforts to cut her out, Bradley did alienate Larissa, pushing her into a situation where she was emotionally vulnerable. We happened to build a strong connection together and one thing led to another. I'm sure the courts won't fault her much for that, given his own history.
JENNY
Even if we don't like what he's doing, we still have to tell him what we saw.
SEBASTIAN
So tell him.
Jenny pauses.
JENNY
Why would you want...? Ohhh, you want us to get him to confess so we have to report him for fraud.
SEBASTIAN
I think you there’s a way.
JENNY
That’s not a good look, getting our clients arrested.
SEBASTIAN
You want more clients like him?
MIKE
So report it yourself.
SEBASTIAN
We’ve got some evidence, but a confession beats all. He trusts you. You play this right, he just lays it all out there.
JENNY
We’d need to record it, but we can’t do it without disclosing to him that we’re recording.
SEBASTIAN
Except--
JENNY
Except. Yeah, okay.
(to Mike)
C’mon. Road trip.
Mike frown in confusion. Larissa does, too.
Jenny turns and leaves, Mike following her.
SEBASTIAN
She might make a decent investigator some day.
INTERCUT - EXT. FANCY RESORT IN ARIZONA / EXT. ARIZONA STATE LINE - DAY
Bradley lounges beside the pool with Rebecca snuggled up next to him, her leg over his. He answers his ringing phone.
BRADLEY
Mike, you have something for me?
Mike and Jenny stand beside their car, pulled off to the side near the "Welcome to Arizona" sign. Mike's holding a phone, set on speaker so Jenny can hear as well. He's deep in his tough-guy detective persona.
MIKE
We got her. Your wife's cheating on you.
BRADLEY
I knew it! Who is it?
MIKE
Well, you've got a little situation on your hands. She's actually having an affair with a detective she hired to investigate you.
BRADLEY
Huh. Okay. Well, I can't say that's too surprising. But you do have evidence?
MIKE
They were doing it in his office. Saw it myself through the window. We couldn't legally take photos, but you have an eyewitness now.
BRADLEY
Good enough! Great work, Mike. I'm definitely going to have more jobs for you in the future.
MIKE
Listen, Mr. Hess. I don't like that she's got an investigator working against you. Divorce court can be brutal. You didn't hear this from me, but if I were in your position, I'd been looking for some creative ways to protect my assets, you know what I mean?
BRADLEY
Mike, I didn't get this successful by being sloppy with money. Don't you worry about me.
MIKE
You've already taken appropriate measures?
BRADLEY
Honestly, you probably own more than I do at this point. I've buried everything away in LLCs where nobody can get at it. I control it but on paper none of it actually belongs to me.
MIKE
Genius. So, you get all the benefits of wealth but there's nothing she can take in the divorce. I'm honestly impressed. I'm going to need to pick your brains sometime because I've still got an ex-wife bleeding me dry.
BRADLEY
My father always taught me that if the IRS, the FBI, or your wife comes after you, you've gotta make sure they leave empty-handed. I've already survived two of those, and I'm about to survive the third.
MIKE
Sometimes you have to bend a few laws to get the job done.
BRADLEY
That's right, Mike. You want to make it in this world, you do what's right for you. Everyone else can fend for themselves. It's the only way.
Rebecca smiles and snuggles closer to Bradley.
MIKE
Well, hopefully our evidence seals the deal so Mrs. Hess comes away with your two cents and not much more. I'll prepare an affidavit with all the evidence and have it ready for you later this week. Congratulations, Mr. Hess. You've won.
(beat)
Yep. Pleasure doing business.
Bradley smiles, puts his phone down, and leans back to relax with Rebecca.
Jenny presses the stop button on her phone's audio recording app.
MIKE
(back to normal)
We get it?
Jenny hits the play button, then scrubs forward to the part where Bradley says "I've buried everything away in LLCs where nobody can get at it."
JENNY
We got it.
MIKE
And we're sure this is legal?
JENNY
Arizona's a one-party consent state, so recording’s okay as long as one party on the call is aware of it, and that’s us. And now we have a recording of him admitting to criminal fraud against his wife, so we have an ethical responsibility to report it to the authorities. It's still a mess, but at least Larissa Hess will have a shot at a fair divorce against her jerk-ass husband.
MIKE
And I thought my divorce was rough. Fortunately, you and I, we're never going to have rich people problems like those two.
There's a notification chime on Jenny's phone. She checks it.
JENNY
He just sent us the second half of our payment. Looks like we're paying rent this month.
Mike puts his hand up and they high-five.
MIKE
That was a weird case. I hope our next one is simpler.
END OF ACT FOUR
=== EPILOGUE ===
EXT. BONFIRE CULT RITUAL - NIGHT
Jenny is covered in white face paint with ancient runic symbols. Firelight flickers on her face. There's rhythmic chanting and drums.
Mike, seated a few spots down in the circle from Jenny, his face also painted, glances toward her with confusion and concern. She gives a subtle shrug.
A group of cult members surrounds a large bonfire. The CULT CHIEFTAIN, wearing a strange outfit and an antler headdress, stands before the fire and raises his arms. The chanting stops and the drumming gets softer.
CULT CHIEFTAIN
Brothers and sisters, it's time for us to welcome our new initiates, Maurice and Penny. Please arise, all, and present yourselves.
Everyone stands up and turns around, then bends over. Jenny and Mike, also standing, look around confused. Mike walks over to stand next to Jenny.
CULT CHIEFTAIN
In memory of the god Ma'alatha's punishment given to the oracle Engaku, we now present ourselves to you, brave initiates. As he blessed the oracle with wisdom through punishment, we now ask you to bless us by the power of your hand.
Jenny looks around helplessly at the ring of cult members surrounding the bonfire, all now bending over.
She looks at one of the other leaders, the CULT ASSISTANT, who illustrates a spanking motion with her hand.
JENNY
(whispering to Mike)
Maybe you were right about not taking this case.
Mike makes a "no kidding" expression, then Jenny gives a "well, I guess we're doing this" shrug and walks over to the nearest cult member and raises her hand to spank them.
END OF EPISODE